23 years ago today I walked down a leafy path and married my darling Flash…
What an amazing journey we would have together… together we would explore so many of the deepest feelings and experiences of really living life. No flatlining for us.
We would experience that deep love, that love where you always made me feel completely right being me… you validated, loved and celebrated all the parts of me, my personality, my loudness, my dreams and my uniqueness and I hope I did it for you too.
We shared bringing two beautiful boys into the world and I would fall in love with you all over again as I watched you be the incredible Dad you were. I know for sure my boys are who they are because you were there Dad.
We dreamed up and saved up for our first house together and as a family we cleaned, tidied, gardened, painted and planned and made it a home.
We would then go through the toughest of times together and learn what it really means to truly be there, ‘In sickness and health until…. ‘ I can only imagine what it was like for you… the frustration after the stroke of not being able to talk and move your body and having to learn it all again… the feeling of dragging your tired body through the days as your heart was getting tired… but you would dig deep, you would fight hard, you had to embrace your vulnerability, and you showed us the courage it takes do the rehabilitation and do what you could while feeling so much less than you use to be… yes you showed me that talking the talk is so much easier than walking the walk… but walk it you did. Yes, we were really living and feeling big life together you and I… and in the midst of the saddest of times we worked hard to still have our ‘fun’ together, we made our date nights watching one of our favourite shows on TV with a picnic on the spare bed after the boys were in bed… the simplest of things… the best moments.
But not only did we experience two very amazing ‘boys’ together and all that comes from being a parent to them… we would also ‘feel’ the life of a parent with Autism along for the ride… yes, we are really doing life you and I… I mean dealing with a stroke was pretty big but then throw Autism along for the ride… yep, you and I bought the ticket for the Roller Coaster of life… Autism would have us screaming and terrified and then laughing for joy and then laughing and screaming at all the same time and then just holding on for dear life with our eyes squeezed shut… sometimes we were so exhausted from Autism we had little left for each other… and then we would need to look after our Jack and then somehow we would still find each other again… yep, no little life for us, no merry-go-round ride for us.
And then my darling your time here is up, time for you to go on to your next adventure and in doing so you also take us on ours here… and now we ‘feel’ life again at the deepest of pain points… grief… and so all the time through this grief I have felt you by my side holding my hand… through losing you, you invited me to believe in Angels, the comfort of feathers, to look for the signs from above and to trust in the design on the Universe… because of the depths of despair our lives took us too I know the heights of joy some will never reach, and truly honour and feel… because of you, I know for sure I truly LIVE and FEEL life…
So, now that I have met my guy… another love… I hear you whispering it is time for me to let go of your hand… you don’t have to check in on me as often… I am always watching over you and our boys but you are allowed to whole heartedly embrace your new chapter… and don’t think in moving on it in any way negates the love we have had or blurs the memories we have made.
And so I now get to learn and feel what it is like to be still so in love with the memories and then still feel the deep grief moments of the missing of Flash, but at the same time know that, that love can exist in my heart side by side with the love I have for my new guy. Love is infinite and our hearts simply expand to accommodate the new love and they exist side by side and don’t borrow or steal from each other.
And so my heart is so full with all the life I have had with you Flash… all that made me who I am today to move into this next chapter… thank you for walking me through such a feeling, loving and incredible journey.